When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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