Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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