don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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