the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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