I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
