it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
