Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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