my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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