And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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