theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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