Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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