Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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