The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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