I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
