u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
