just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
