1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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