Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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