I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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