remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
