Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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