the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
