u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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