Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
