was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
