This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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