Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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