Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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