sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
