I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
