can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
