I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
