In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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