Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i drank out of a bidet.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
