Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
