You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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