take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
