Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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