i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
