omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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