Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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