I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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