She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
