Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
