Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
