smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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