this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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