i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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