We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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