I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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