I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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