Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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