When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
